Eccentrica Gallumbits
Hi. Welcome to my weblog! My name is Eccentrica and I'm questioning my gender and sexual preferences. Currently I can definitely identify as heterosexual cis male who likes to cross-dress in private, has a huge underwear fetish, struggles with pornography addiction and is bi-curious. I describe myself as closeted demiflux (static male + fluidly femme). I'm a feminist in uneasy tension with hypersexualisation imagery, getting into my mid-forties
With this weblog I'm trying to create a safe space for myself to freely write and document my struggles and explorations, questions and adventures regarding my sexuality and gender expression. I would write this in a personal journal, but I thought that a form of semi-anonymous diary would perhaps help someone else on similar path. I hope you enjoy the ride.
For now, this website is hand-coded via neocities web interface (hope to switch to emacs soon). It uses "Lusitana" font designed by Ana Paula Megda and found at the amazing Libre Fonts By Womxn.
While I'll do my best to not cross that line too often, this journal is Not Safe For Work (#nsfw) and should probably not be read by minors.
My mastodon is at girlcock.club/@eccentrica.
06.AUG 2020
Alone time.
It just so came around that I'm house-sitting a lovely place, with a pool even. It's a longish arrangment - two weeks - but somehow I'm starting completely by myself - without my partner and without the dog. These kind of opportunities are very rare and I usually want to use them for some self-time regarding cross-dressing and enjoying myself.
So, I spent most of the time in some new lace panties that I recently bought. Red ones that have beautiful lace pattern all over the butt and are 'silk-like' on the front. Today I also shaved my face, my armpits, my balls and the jungle around the anus. I am ready for some action too, and I don't know how things will go with my partner. I'm leaving tomorrow morning to the "Capitol" and we are returning the day after, together with the dog.
I was thinking a lot about what being dressed (as oposite gender, as a woman) in one way or another does to me. What does it do to my productivity and focus. It seems quite unavoidable truth that it brings out my libido, in my brain things keep firing up regarding my genitalia in that special itching that makes me want to masturbate. I sometimes am able to focus then on something productive, at rare ocasions even on the top priorities. But sometimes I cannot. Also, I have found myself almost unable to 'wrap it up'. Undress, go to bed, finish the day. That Deleuze's quote keep coming back to my mind - about the fetish as frozen image. It's almost as if being in lace and panties and a skirt creates this vibe bubble which I don't want to leave because it's filled with the good-feel, like I'm so hungry for the dopamine, for the happiness hormone, I just cannot willingly exit. Why would I if it feels so good? I often ponder, why does it feel so good? I fear that I have conditioned myself with the pornography and masturbation in connection with female underwear fetish and cross-dressing so that now wearing women clothes instantly increases dopamine levels and makes me feel better. It's like sugar.
And then I burn and burn within that sexual excitement and often cannot resist opening pornhub and spending hours edging until I come and then such blackness comes - I am instantly emptied, le petit mort, and I feel utterly alone and deserted and I hate myself for doing it all again, wasting time with cross-dressing and masturbation and porn, for hours that could be spent making that which fulfills me in a much more substantial way.
What should I do with all this? With the photos, with short write-ups, with video files, with Pinterest collections? It's all the more complicated since there's so much information accessible and known to me - about gender fluidity, gender spectrum, queer sexualities, genders expressions, gender identities, and all the different permutations of these already have various names, and in many ways, validity.
So - I ponder further - these feelings I have are valid in one way or another, right? I just need to find a way to validate them to myself, to accept them myself, so I can own them. Once I do, I can have confidence to step out of the shadows, out of the lies - in front of my closest partner, and in front of everyone else, friends, colegues, strangers.
That final thought is still very scary.
